"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husban." (Eph. 5:22-33)
One of the reasons there is so much debate and controversy around the roles we each have in marriage is because our focus is on the roles and not the reason or purpose of the roles. It’s very typical for us humans to look at marriage from the angle of what’s in it for me, but what Paul is talking about is in the context of the filling of the Spirit in Eph. 5:18, which presupposes that the married couple is more concerned with the glory of God than their own critique of each other’s performance. Their lives are characterized by the control, leading and shaping of the Holy Spirit, not the flesh.
Nothing will destroy a marriage faster than two people on a mission to fix each other.
In Matthew 10:39 our Lord lays down the one primary rule for discipleship, He who loses his life will find it. Practically speaking, this is what the filling of the spirit implies. We lose our lives so that Christ can bring His life into us. He can’t do so while we are in the way.
Marriage is the great testing ground for discipleship. Marriage is not meant to be 50/50; it’s meant to be 100/100 – meaning that to the extent a person loses his or her life, to that same extent, spiritual life and happiness can enter that marriage. Happiness in marriage is a byproduct of the pursuit of the glory of God.
The only reason my marriage is good and getting better all the time (Lennon-McCartney), is because each of us is learning how to give up our rights rather than fighting to keep our rights. Marriage isn’t about rights; it’s about sacrifice.
As one author wrote,
Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side; which leads to what I said in the beginning about the purpose for the roles in marriage. Compare these verses:
His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms . . . For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. (Eph. 3:10, Eph. 5:31-32)
Our purpose in getting married is to find someone who can make us happier than we’d be if we were alone and then spend the rest of our lives trying to shape them into someone who will make us even happier. But God’s purpose is to use marriages to show the angelic realms and the human race the relationship between Christ and the church. Those are conflicting purposes. Which is why most marriages either fail or if they stay together, they are not even close to being genuinely happy.
So, again, no one finds life until they lose their own life and this is truer in marriage than in any other relationship. What the marriage relationship has the potential of being will never be experienced until both persons lose their lives for the other. And no marriage based on self – on rights and personal agendas – can be truly happy nor can it glorify God because personal rights, agendas and selfishness are not what the relationship between Christ and His church is all about.
So, when Paul says that the wife is to respect her husband, he’s not just offering some practical peace-keeping advice, he’s asking her to take on a role that reflects the attitude of the church to Christ. If she’s unwilling to take that role because of personal reasons, she misses both the joy of marriage as it can be and the opportunity to fulfill God’s purpose as shown in Eph. 3:10.
Notice this passage in 1 Peter 3:6, Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. . . You don’t have to do the calling him lord part, but you get the idea. Sarah’s relationship with Abraham reflected the church’s relationship to Christ.
When Paul asks the husband to love as Christ loved, he’s asking for sacrifice. Most husbands are much more interested in what their wives can sacrifice for them than visa versa. But when a husband sacrifices for his wife, he’s helping build a relationship of love that will make them both happier. He’s losing his life to gain a greater life in union with his wife.
It reminds me of the passage in Heb. 12:2, Who for the joy set before Him (i.e. our salvation), he endured the cross, despising the shame . . .
Jesus was alone until after the cross and resurrection, but when the grain of wheat fell into the ground and died, it bore much fruit. An entirely new race was born from the resurrection of Christ; a race that would become one flesh with Him. This was the result of the sacrifice of the cross.
When wives respect their husbands and when husbands love their wives like this, two things happen: God’s purpose in revealing the relationship of Christ and the church is accomplished, and the marriage becomes increasingly wonderful for the couple involved.
If we can get past our own self-centered expectations, we can not only glorify God in our marriage but we could also have a marriage that, as Paul wrote in another context is above all we could ask or think.
I’m going to close with a story that helps us see this in a practical way, in this case by focusing on the privilege of being a mother – though this could apply to the father as well:
The young mother set her foot on the path of life. 'Is the way long?’ she asked. And her Guide said: 'Yes'. 'And the way is hard'. 'And you will be old before you reach the end of it'. 'But the end will be better than the beginning'.
But the young Mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed with them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them and life was good, and the young Mother cried, ‘Nothing will ever be lovelier than this'.
Then night came, and storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the Mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, 'Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come,’ and the Mother said, ‘This is better than the brightness of day, for I have taught my children courage'.
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the Mother was weary, but at all times, she said to the children, A little patience and we are there. So the children climbed, and when they reached the top, they said, 'We could not have done it without you, Mother'. And the Mother, when she lay down that night, looked at the stars and said: 'This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned strength in the face of hardship'.
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth-clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the Mother said: 'Look up'. 'Lift your eyes to the Light'. And the children looked and saw above them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said: ‘This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God.’
And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the Mother grew old, and she was little and bent. And when the way was hard, they helped their Mother, and when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gate flung wide.
And the Mother said: 'I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them'. And the children said: 'You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates'.
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: 'We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence'.
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